


only say that i want you ('cause it's what i'm used to)

by paperlighthouse



Series: spotify shuffle @ 3am (song fic collection) [3]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Metaphors, Mildly Dubious Consent, Poetic, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Sad, Short, Songfic, Unhealthy Relationships, lying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22791385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperlighthouse/pseuds/paperlighthouse
Summary: Jisung never thought "I love you" could feel like a mudslide. Feet slipping, house moving, trees crashing; a tidal wave of a world changing shift drenching him in grainy dirt. Hand prints staining his face, his knees, his waist. Hacking up earth and scorpions, crying onto little saplings that curl pitifully in the dark as they yellow. Looking for water to scrub his skin but all he can find are dried pine needles and ivy. The echo of the woods hollowing his gut. A circle of redwoods trapping him in.inspired by sasha sloan’s “faking it”
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Kim Seungmin
Series: spotify shuffle @ 3am (song fic collection) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1536622
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	only say that i want you ('cause it's what i'm used to)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Most Beautiful Lie](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16604309) by [ScrewzLooze](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScrewzLooze/pseuds/ScrewzLooze). 



> damn, i'm really digging through my sad youtube playlist for these songs.
> 
> this fic is set in the same verse as the rest of the series. before "i know where to lay" and "kiss me on my back". this series is a teeny bit of a vent fic but mostly i just want to explore different ways a person can feel about falling out of love. for some people it hurts, some people are apathetic and bitter, some try to hold on to everything desperately. to me sasha sloan's "faking it" is like a self-critical drunk slur and i thought it fit jisung's character in this.
> 
> please mind the tags and take care.

_I'm way too good at faking it_  
_I'm way too good at making it look like_  
_I don't want nobody else_  
_I even started fooling myself_  
_I'm way too good at faking it_  


_(I'm way too good at)_  
_Saying I love you like I believe it_  
_(I'm way too good at)_  
_Staying up all night, keeping a secret_  
_(I'm way too good at)_  
_Only say that I want you 'cause it's what I'm used to_

Jisung never thought "I love you" could feel like a mudslide. Feet slipping, house moving, trees crashing; a tidal wave of a world changing shift drenching him in grainy dirt. Hand prints staining his face, his knees, his waist. Hacking up earth and scorpions, crying onto little saplings that curl pitifully in the dark as they yellow. Looking for water to scrub his skin but all he can find are dried pine needles and ivy. The echo of the woods hollowing his gut. A circle of redwoods trapping him in.

The crown of the forest rises with his tumbling. Jisung, falling deeper and deeper with each stumble. Into the woods, into the thorny, dried doe beds. Blood mixing with blackberry till the stains dye from his tongue, bruises his lips, colored codes his speak. Rubbing poison oak over his knees and between his toes, itching to run, itching to fall. 

_(I know, I know) I should leave_  
_(Should I let go?) But I can't_  
_It's like I'm standing at the bottom of a hole_  
_With a shovel in my hand_

"Jisung?"

Jisung zones back in.

Seungmin raises a brow, shaking the bag of snacks in front of his eyes. "Aren't you hungry?"

Jisung forces his eyes to meet Seungmin. Bile sours the back of his tongue. "Nah."

"Just kind of nauseous."

_I'm way too good at faking it_  
_I'm way too good at making it look like_  
_I don't want nobody else_  
_I even started fooling myself_

Fall? Fall where?

Fall back into love? Fall from a height and crush his body? Fall away? Fall deeper into this lie?

Burst at his own seams, sewing his lips tighter, his eyes wider, his fingers stiffer. Tack himself against the face of a cork-board, resurrect himself again and again, play the Savior till wine poured from between his ribs? Drink his own tonic, drench his insides in sour fruit. To seep through worn, bloody bandages till Jisung can't tell what's blackberry, what's blood, what's wine, what's water. Drunk off facade.

_(I’m way too good at)_  
_Being a zombie when we're in the bedroom_  
_(I’m way too good at)_  
_Doing the things I don't really want to_

"Ji, we can stop." Seungmin hovers over him, hand on his cheek. Jisung can't tell if he wants to rip it off of him, smash it against his jaw, or press his lips into it and cry. 

_(I know, I know) I should leave_  
_(Should I let go?) But I can't_  
_It's like I'm standing at the bottom of a hole_  
_With a shovel in my hand_

Jisung looks up through the trees at the twin stars staring down at him. It's dark at night. The cuts of his feet, the blisters between his fingers, nettle stinging his back as he lays on the forest floor.

He wonders if he could. Could he stop? Could he bring himself to burn down the forest which use to house so much life and lifetimes. Drench his old selves in kerosene and watch them writhe, their skin melt away, their hands stretching to crawl out their burning home. Did the heavens know what they did to him? How they taunted him with their brilliance when they sung songs of love to a mortal world.

_I'm way too good at making it look like I love you_  
_Making it look like I want to_  
_Be here when I'm already gone_  
_I should've told you all along_  
_That you're not the one_  
_Babe, I'm already done_

Maybe if he was some sort of Samaritan he could care more. Could give everything over completely, tear his own flesh from his arms and blind Seungmin. Hold his hands from behind so he couldn't see the bloody, fading stains, the fire licking at everything they once knew. The discolor and flames hidden from view. The Samaritan and the blind, together, in a burning forest.

_I'm way too good at_

**Author's Note:**

> [ my twitter](https://twitter.com/lunagoogie)


End file.
